Spitting Image of Me : Child #4

This is one of the hardest ones to write……and in the same thought it’s the easiest to write…
This child is the closest resemblance of myself… he looks like a light skinned version of me but lets not just leave it at that, there are a lot of similarities outside of looks. Character being one.. athleticism being another… emotions and reading disabilities…

Before I got remarried and gifted with two more children he was my youngest. So with that in mind I was completely caught off guard that he learned slower then the rest. When I got custody of him he was three turning four. He wasn’t in school yet and I couldn’t tell the difference at this point. By the time he was in kindergarten I was starting to notice his difficulty learning simple tasks I believed he should be grasping at this point. He was successful in sports ( 3rd place in the state of Texas in the rookie division his first year wrestling, 6th in the start in Tots 40lbs division). Thing like this I was super proud and excited for his future in sports.. but then he couldn’t spell his name… or do simple tasks I saw my others do without struggle. At first it was frustrating and confusing. I know by now you shouldn’t compare kids, they all learn different. It wasn’t that, it was the fact I know what I went through as a child not knowing how to read and slipping through the cracks… I feared he would go through life trying to read ahead hoping the teacher doesn’t pick on him to avoid the embarrassment of stuttering the words on the paper in front of classmates… fucking life changing, confidence burning reality I lived through. Knowing I had this disability as a child and fully knowing he may have the same thing… I was in disbelief, what father wants to admit his child needs help? Was I not working with him enough? Was I being too hard? Was I not being patient enough?

The answer I am still looking for.. for now I know I have to have patience and I need to get him into the programs that are there for him, programs that I didn’t have an opportunity to use…

See I think my reading has been one of my biggest downfalls as a young adult. I wholeheartedly believe I had the ability to play baseball at the highest level, but due to the fact I couldn’t get my school work down I couldn’t keep the grades needed to play… this was an ugly realty that chased me for years. Find a class that I didn’t need to read or write and pass those… hence the reason I have over 5 years of college and no degree… I chose easy classes to make it easier to be eligible to play baseball, the only thing that kept me going in life.

That was the beginning of my first downfall, I lost the game that built me, that was the source of my ability to be resilient in life ( past article ). The reason I joined the military and the rest is history.

My now 8 year old boy is headed to a life of embarrassment, heartbreak and disappointment if I don’t step in and do something big. My motivation to help is not only that I am his father but that he deserves to go further that I ever did in sports if he so sees fit. This kid is fun to watch… he struggles tying his shoe but can hit a game winning homer in one of the most complicated games known to man. He can shoot in and get a double leg takedown in a major competition with the weight of the team on his shoulders and he does it without fear or doubt but he shys away from the moment you ask him to read the words on the medal he just won.

This boy… a spitting image of me scares me to the point I feel like I am raising myself, to the point I don’t want him reliving my disappointment and lowest lows… I almost want to tell him “No!!! Please don’t follow in my foot steps.. don’t do what I did… just change it all up and take the easiest path!” But I know two things…

1. That is not what will be best for him, or any other kid.

2. He wouldn’t listen like I didn’t to my father and he will do things more incredible then I ever have.

Holden, you have taught me fear and patience…

Fear of what I know can come, if we don’t start working hard now at reading and writing and spelling. I have seen that path and its painful. We have to get ahead of this…

Patience… You can learn at a pace I need to get used to and understand. You are different in so many ways, you challenge me to remember you are not like the rest of the kids and that you are not me… I have to let you learn and live….

Fathers: Its normal to question your parenting… I think if you don’t question yourself you just don’t give a shit. There are no answers on the back of their heads. We make choices out of love and experiences… keep moving forward and be present in their life…